Umm I'm too high to move.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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