Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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