I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
