Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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