today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
