Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
