I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
