Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
