PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
