Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
