there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Text me some of your sweat
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
