New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
