It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
