you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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