im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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