Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
