You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
