Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
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I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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