my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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