I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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