he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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