Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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