fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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