If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
