i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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