i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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