I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
