I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
