I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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