I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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