fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
