i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize