Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
