bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
