she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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