new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
