he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
