one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
