; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
