im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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