he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
