I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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