I swear god or herbie drove my car home
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
