Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
