I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
