Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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