I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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