Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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