i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
