Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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