i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
