Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
