if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
