Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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