I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
