I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
