he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
